Two Ways of Being a Clueless Asshole Series Part 1 [Article]
The Clueless Asshole –
In your day to day travels, you’ll meet piles of assholes from the minute you go to work, the supermarket or school. This is your chance to fight back and be one of them! Better still, this article portrays ways of being that ever special clued-out asshole. A clued-out asshole is someone who appears to those around you as someone who is not intentionally being an asshole. You appear to be unwittingly and innocently acting like an asshole. If you get good at it people will not get offended or triggered by your behavior. They may even politely apologize to you when they try to correct you, as they believe that you’re just innocently acting like an asshole without realizing it. Remember, if you intentionally act like an asshole and it shows, you might get punched out for it. So master the art of being the clued out asshole. Aggravate and inconvenience the people around you in a clueless way and have some fun.
Who Can You Piss off?
The best target for your asshole behavior will be strangers around you, but you can also offend friends, family and coworkers. Everyone can be an open target as long as they think you’ve just committed an innocent gaffe that has lowered the quality of their lives. Throughout your travels you’ll meet assholes around every corner. This is your opportunity to get even and have some fun along the way. Let’s get started!
Slow Everyone Down at the Fast Food Restaurant
Fast food restaurants are called this because of their super-efficient logistics. Normal people get in line and look up at the menu while they’re waiting to place their order. Whether you’re alone or with friends just stand in line with a vacant look on your face (practice the vacant look expression – it will come in handy in many of your clueless asshole situations…). Pick a day when the restaurant is really busy. Saturday mornings are the best, where you have seriously hungover people trying to get some grease in their bellies as soon as possible. This time of the week is also good because many divorced fathers who have their thankless children for the weekend are trying to buy their kid’s love with a great fast food breakfast followed by a whirlwind schedule of spectacular activities like movies, monster truck rallies and baseball games. Remember you’ll be in line with the desperate single divorced dad and his kids as well as those hungover ready to puke pounding headache party animals that drank too much on Friday night. What’s standing in everyone’s way to salvation is YOU! In the busy line up, wait until the person at the counter asks you for your order. This is the time for you to look up and start reading the menu. Mouth the words slowly to make it look like you’re a little slow minded and don’t forget to read the legal jargon in the menu first. For Example, “McDonald’s is a registered trademark of the McDonald’s Corporation. All rights reserved. Pepsi Cola is sold under license to McDonald’s 1999-2019”. You get the idea.
Then ask a bunch of stupid questions about what is in a Big Mac. Ask what’s in a Burger King Big Whopper while you’re in a McDonald’s restaurant. Waffle back and forth and make it look like you’re making a life and death decision over a shitty little hamburger or EggMcMuffin. By now the lineup should be reaching the entry door of the establishment. Keep that indecisive stressed out look on your face and then when the hangover victims are passing out on the floor and the bratty entitled children of the single dad start complaining and want dad to take them back to mommy and kill the weekend, place your order. As the relieved cashier punches in your order, conveniently forget that you’re in a fast food establishment with cookie cutter mass produced foods and put in a special request. Now you’re wasting more of everyone’s time and fucking up the well oiled logistics of the restaurant. Ask for something next to impossible and listen for a few curses from the people behind you. Standard curses will include : “JEEESus Christ!” and “For Fuck’s Sake!”. Ask if you can have some gouda cheese on your Big Mac, or is Dill available sprinkled on your Egg McMuffin. Stretch out the discussion with the cashier and then reluctantly accept your order as if it is like you’re doing everyone a big favor with your gallant flexibility. After you pay for the order, just stand there until the cashier asks you to move over to the orders counter and waste more of everyones time. When you get good at being an inconsiderate clueless asshole the normal wait in line and order process, which can take two to three minutes can be stretched out to five to ten minutes, fucking up all 33 people in line behind you.
2. Monopolize on the Bank Machine
Wait for a busy Friday afternoon preferably at the end of the month. Friday afternoons are super busy at the bank machines and the last Friday of the month is even worse. You’ll need a toddler for this clueless asshole scheme. The best age is 2-3 years for the toddler. If you don’t have one just borrow one from a friend or neighbor for an hour or so. The parents will always lend you their toddler just to get a break from the kid and all the misery he’s causing for them. It’s great for the parents because it will give them some alone time. They won’t use it for a quick fuck though. They’ll sit around the apartment lamenting and crying as to why they had this worthless brat to begin with. This is one of the few times when a good deed emerges from being a clueless asshole.
Go with your toddler to the bank machine and try to pick a machine or series of machines in a crowded bank vestibule. If the kid has a full smelly diaper when you arrive and stinks up the place, you’re well on your way to the first phase of this clueless asshole adventure. With any luck, the kid will fill his diaper right while you’re in line for the machine. The smell will waft through the vestibule and ruin everyone’s appetite with some even passing out on the floor. Try to hold the kid as high as possible, as close to nose level as you can.
When it’s your turn to use the machine hold the kid up to the keypad and tell them to press the buttons so you can pay your cable bill. It’s certain that the kid will completely fuck up, possibly canceling the transaction. Just start over and have the kid keep trying. Let the people behind you know that you’re fucking up their evening and wasting their time by trying to get a retarded toddler to press the appropriate keys on the bank machine. Instruct the toddler out loud with phrases like “No, press the BLUE button Justin. Do you remember the color blue? What is colored blue?”. The kid will be busy defecating into his diapers so you’ll need to give him a clue. Drag it out and then finally tell him “The sky is blue, remember Justin? Push the button that’s the same color as the sky!”. After this has gone on for ten minutes or so, guide his stubby little finger to the blue button and have him press it. Give him profound praise even though he’s as dumb as a box of hammers. Waste more time and turn around to the other customers and let them get another whiff of his fully loaded diaper from a new angle and start talking about how smart he is for his age. You can drag this out for another few minutes and really fuck up everyone’s tight schedule. Some may even miss the last bus or train home to the burbs. If you want to be a REAL clueless asshole, bring a pile of bills to pay and go through this whole smelly button pushing nonsense for each bill with the kid. This can take up to a half hour if you have a really stupid kid with you.
So start off with these two approaches for now and check out future articles on other great ways of being a clueless asshole. Be clueless and get even!